My Best Friend

There have been a lot of people tell me I should stop dating my boyfriend, or at the very least insinuate it. And while everybody is more than welcome to their opinion, it helps when that opinion is formed off of some knowledge of the people involved, and the people that tell me this hardly know him if they know him at all. Not just that, but they don't understand what they're telling me I should give up. So I'm going to explain it for those people, and maybe after reading this they'll understand why I could never give him up. What I have with him is something I've dreamed about my whole life, but had given up hope of ever finding. Someone who loves me for me; not for what I can do for him or because I make him feel better when he has a bad day or because I can make him laugh, but somebody who loves EVERY little thing about me down to me snorting when I laugh and that I still love to color. Someone who loves me enough to remember my favorite flavor Starbucks frappuccino even though I like them all. Someone who, in the middle of a fight, can say "Stop! We both need to calm down and talk about this like rational human beings, not rabid beasts at each other throats." Someone who can hold me when all I want to do is hit something. Someone who really knows me. Beyond my favorite flavor Starbucks frappuccino. Someone who knows things about me that sometimes I don't even see until I'm told, like the fact that I'm slightly claustrophobic. Someone who knows, just by looking at my face, when I'm in a bad mood and pesters me until I let it out because he knows it's better for me than keeping it bottled up. Someone who knows what's bothering me and only asks me because I need to voice it. Someone who I can just sit with and not talk as comfortably as staying up all night and talking about nothing. Someone who I can talk to about anything and everything and will do the same back. Someone I can be open and honest with and not worry that he'll take advantage of my thoughts and feelings. Somebody not threatened by me being friends with other guys, or that one of my ex's is still one of my best friends. Somebody who is comfortable with having different friends and spending time with those friends separately. Somebody who can get me out of my comfort zone, who can make me get out there and do things, like go four wheeling, snowmobiling, riding on a motorcycle, playing basketball. Somebody to DO things with. Somebody as comfortable in a fancy restaurant as they are in McDonald's. Somebody with the same thoughts and opinions about important things like raising children. Someone willing to work things out when there's a disagreement. Somebody who can admit when he's wrong, but also won't let me get away with it when I am. Somebody who won't let me walk all over him but won't do that to me either. Somebody who treats me as his equal. Someone who takes care of me and who takes care of himself. Someone I trust, without any hesitation whatsoever, and who trusts me equally as much. Somebody who, when he tells me I'm beautiful, isn't just looking at my physical appearance. Somebody who can actually make me feel beautiful. Someone who puts me first. Someone who's OK with my hobbies and even though he isn't into them tries to be for my sake. Somebody who pushes me to be better, but never makes me feel like I'm not the best I can possibly be. Someone who I want to become a better person for. Someone who will help me change things in my life that need to be changed. Somebody who can teach me to stick up for myself and stop letting people take advantage of me and use me. Someone who doesn't think I'm silly when I say that one day I'm going to finish the book I've been writing for years and become a world famous author. Someone who tells me that the big unattainable goals in my life are reachable and that he'll help me reach them if he can. Somebody who loves me unconditionally, who even when I'm at my worst will sit there and tell me he loves me and mean it every time. Someone who doesn't judge me when I make mistakes because he knows neither one of us is perfect. Somebody who makes me happy, deep down inside. Somebody I can depend on when life gets rough and seems to be falling apart. I wanted a dream guy basically. And I found him. Years of settling for less and less of what I wanted because I thought who I wanted didn't exist, of being hurt over and over again, led me to him. He's healed things inside me that had hurt for so long I'd forgotten they were hurting. He's fixed parts of me I didn't know were broken. And all of that was just with his friendship. He has shown me what true love really is, not just between a guy and a girl, but between every human being. I've learned that children are not the only precious and fragile people in my life. I've learned that friendship is the most important part of any relationship. That without that, you've missed the whole point of love. Iv'e found my best friend. The best thing that ever happened to me.

Good Food and Good Times

So it's been a while since I've written here, but I've had a few people recently tell me I should pick it back up, so I'm going to. For whoever may read this and wonders why I didn't write for so long, I had a lot of personal things going on and basically this wasn't on my priority list, but things have sort of settled down now so I'm back :) So much has happened since I last wrote I'm not even going to try and catch anybody up to speed on my life. Suffice it to say life has been, well, very life-ish. Ups and downs, whiplash, laughs and tears, the whole 9 yards, but mostly it's been ok. Christmas and Thanksgiving were pretty good, so I suppose I can't complain too much. Good food and good times. :) Today however the good food and good times only lasted until my first break at work. I went out to lunch with my uncle and best friend (good food) and then we went to visit my aunt Virginia who's in rehab because she broke her hip (good times, for us, not so much for her...). Then I got to work. I was tired to begin with, the kind of tired where coffee doesn't even wake me up, and so I was a bit on the grouchy side. Then one of the high up people called me in her office. Good times exit stage left. She had about 10 things on a list, yes she had a list, of things that I was doing wrong. I think a grand total of 2 of those things I actually did. Which I admitted to, I'm not going to lie about talking to people while I work, or repeating something somebody said the way they said it when I probably should have found a more "work appropriate" way of saying it. Whatever, I did them, punish me if you must. HOWEVER, when I tell you that every other thing on your list of bad things I do is a lie, how dare you not even tell me you'll look into it to find the truth of the matter. Just because somebody says something doesn't make it true. Just because a lot of people say something doesn't make it true. And have you ever thought about how much time it would take out of somebody's work to sit there and see if I'm turned away from my work all night talking away with another worker? But of course they won't get in trouble because they're making sure everybody in the plant is as miserable as they are, oh wait, that we're all working like we're supposed to, yea, that's what they're making sure of. Not only did she flat out insist that these things were true, but as I was trying to defend myself, stick up for myself, tell her the truth, whatever you want to call it, she started yelling at me for arguing with her. And then, the woman who writes my reviews for work, who less than a month ago told my supervisor that I am a good worker, I sit at my station and work all night long, I don't goof off, my numbers are good, the quality of my work is good, sat there and agreed with this other woman about EVERYTHING. I wasn't impressed. And of course we can't go for a conversation like this without some twisting of everything I say and turning it around so it gets me into even more trouble, assuming that everything I do is for my benefit, because we all know that I would never offer to let someone do a frame they like even though according to the "do what's next in line" rule, we'd both end up with frames we dislike, simply because I'm feeling generous because they just got finished with a frame from down yonder. Nope, I'm just a selfish little brat and want all the good work for myself. Well, lemme tell you something, if I was picking good work, about 75% of the frames I started I'd have put back. I take the bad work and do it just like everybody else, and I don't avoid frames because I think they're bad, I "avoid them" because I know somebody else likes them better. Nor do I slide parts through without looking at them. My boyfriends mother has a pacemaker, my cousin's grandfather has a pacemaker, my own mother might eventually need one (we make parts for pacemakers if you hadn't guessed), that stuff is close to home I'm gonna check it all. Nor do I take 30 minute breaks, and if you're that concerned about people taking long breaks, why not get on the case of the guy who takes a 45 min break on every break because he likes to go to walmart. 2 of our breaks are only supposed to be 10 minutes long. Does anybody else see a problem with this? I could go on but you get my point. Good feelings gone. After that I was so angry I was sick to my stomach so I couldn't even eat the rest of my good food leftovers at my supper break. Instead I had a chocolate chip cookie and that almost came back up. Good-bye good food. So after we get done our "conversation" that I rarely was allowed to participate in, I was told that they would decide my punishment tomorrow and let me know when I came in to work that afternoon. HALT. Did I hear that correctly? I am going to be punished because people are lying about me and you refuse to even take what I say into consideration and try to find the truth of the matter? I think not. Again, if I've done something wrong, punish me if you must, I won't argue with that. I will now however tolerate being punished for things I did not do, when there are plenty of ways (i.e. security cameras you supposedly have pointing in every nook and cranny in the plant) for you to find out the truth, which would lead you to the conclusion that multiple people, your "sources" as you call them, are lying to you. Not going to happen. So I quit. I finished the night out so I could leave quietly at the end and it wouldn't cause a massive ruckus until after I was gone, because heaven knows gossip is perfectly fine there, just not laughter, and by the end of tomorrow everybody in the plant will know I'm gone, and probably think it's because I couldn't "take the heat". But you know what. I really don't care anymore. The people that I do care about know the truth and that's all that matters. The rest can keep on spying and gossiping and I will never have to deal with it again :) Now I'm back to job hunting, but at least I'll be able to enjoy my good food and hopefully have some good times :) Now however, I think it's about time for me to head to bed, I have to rest up for my upcoming weekend marathon of eating cheesecake and watching sob inducing chick flicks. Night world <3

Never Give Up On God

Tiki is back and adjusting well, at least until the kitten tries to play with her. She's getting better though. I have to leave my door open now and all the cats tend to go in my room because they couldn't before, I almost feel like I should just move to the living room and let them have my room.

Can I just stop for a minute and say that God is good? Because He is! I mentioned in a previous post that there was somebody who I was going to try to "love the socks off" of. (If you didn't read it: there is a person I know and we haven't gotten along well for a while now and they had done something that made me want to completely block them from my life, but I was thinking about what love, the kind of love that drove Christ to die on the cross for the very people that nailed him there, was and in thinking about it I came to the realization that I couldn't give up on them, that I had to keep trying to fix what was wrong. That's the short version.) Anyhow, I saw this person just recently, and that day things were said that I hadn't expected, good things, and the next day I was told by someone else that this person was realizing that we can indeed have a good relationship (that's the short, sweet, and simple version of what was said).

Imagine if I had given up? Things would have been so much different. I was expecting the same things to just keep on happening, I didn't think anything would change, but I decided to trust God and keep trying and look what He did for me! I know things aren't going to be completely better tomorrow, or even next week, there will be ups and downs along the way, but it's happening now. This prayer that I've had for so long is being answered! I didn't necessarily like how long it took, but even in that God had a plan, because I learned to never give up on Him. He never ever gives up on us, but it's so easy for us to stop trusting Him and stop believing that He's doing anything about the situation, when all along He has things completely under control and is timing everything so it happens at the best time for everybody. Certain things have happened recently that are going to allow me to see this person a lot more than I used to be able to, and I think that's another reason it took so long, because now we can actually see each other and fix things, instead of over the phone or e-mail, which is always better. God works in the details, He sees the big picture, and He knows what's best, I just have to keep trusting him and never, ever give up on Him.

My Baby's Coming Home!!!

So my kitty is getting here Saturday and I'm uber excited!! I spent all day cleaning the living room and kitchen and now all I have left to do is clean my room so she doesn't kill herself in and amongst all the booby-traps. That's going to be an ongoing project lol. My other baby, Rhett, is growing way too fast. My roommate and I went to Petsmart the other day and I saw a Chinese Water Dragon the size of Rhett when I first got him and then there was another one in there the size of Rhett now and the difference is HUGE!!! I didn't realize it until I saw those two.

Anyhow, enough about my babies, I'm gonna go start cleaning my room :)

Love His Socks Off

So quick update: my friend and I found an apartment and are moved in finally! I'm getting my cat back Saturday, which will be a total of 2 cats, a kitten, a lizard, and a hamster in the apartment. And there's been talk of getting a turtle. We're going to charge admission to come see the animals eventually ;) My brother is going to be in Japan by the end of the week, I'm nervous and excited for him all at once. And that's about all the updates I have for now, life has slowed down quite a bit which I'm happy about :)

We still have overtime at work which means I've still got hours to think about random things. The other day I started thinking about how I know I really love my boyfriend. I'm not going where you probably think I'm going, I'm not talking about all the little random things I like about him. I mean actual love. Agape love. For those of you who don't know Greek, agape love is the purest form of love, the form of love God has for each of us. I got to thinking that if love, especially agape love, started with God it has to be like God. So what is God like?

He's unconditional, unchanging, forgiving, loyal, kind, gracious. He's a lot of other things, but I'll leave it at that for now. For those curious, yes I do love my boyfriend, it wasn't that I doubted it, it was more or less that it crossed my mind so I thought about it type thing. My point with this post though isn't to talk about my love life. Well, not exactly anyway. It's to focus on the fact that true love, agape love, is unconditional.

There are certain people that I don't get along with very well, or that my relationship with them is very strained, and sometimes they do things that really upset me. That happened the other day with one of those people, and I was so upset about what had happened that I decided after a certain day I was going to completely block that person out of my life. I've tried fixing our relationship but that person either doesn't acknowledge it or denies it, and then sits there and does nothing to fix it and thinks it's perfectly fine. This particular person is one that I really shouldn't just give up on or I would have by now, because normally I cut people like that out of my life as quick as possible. When I was thinking about all the love stuff the other day at work, this person randomly popped into my head, and I was reminded that unconditional means just that, unconditional. It doesn't matter what the person does, I don't necessarily have to like or respect them, but I have to love them. And that means I can't give up on them no matter how much i may want to. It wasn't a very thrilling thought at the time, and it still isn't to be honest, because I know it's a long, tiring, and frustrating road ahead of me, but I'm not going to give up on that person. I had a boss one time that used to tell me to "bless his socks off," about certain people that were hard to love. I'm going to amend that just a little and say, about that person, that i'm going to "love his socks off."

And now...bed time :) night world!

Stronger

So it's been a VERY long time since I've last posted. I do apologize, but I've been so busy it's ridiculous. Big things that have happened? I got a lizard a couple weeks ago, his name is Rhett (from Gone With the Wind). I've been dating my best friend for a month as of the 8th of May. We STILL have overtime at work, I think we're going to have it until doomsday. And my friend and I are looking for an apartment, which we will hopefully find soon.



I must admit, it's been an introspective year thus far, especially while I'm at work until 2am. For various reasons I've been thinking about my most recent ex a lot lately, not because I miss him or want to get back together with him, but because things have reminded me of him and I can't seem to get him out of my head, which I don't enjoy very much I have to admit. Anyhow, seeings as I can't stop remembering things about him recently I just let my mind wander with it the other night at work. I thought about how I still have things tat he gave me while we were dating and I was questioning why in the world I still have them. And I finally figured out why.

I think all I have left are a few cards and a pair of flip flops, an odd mix I know. It was the cards mostly that got me thinking. To me, the cards represent good times we shared, the flip flops too but not quite like the cards. They remind me that it wasn't all bad, they make him seem more...human? Kind? More like what I thought he was. Something happened to me when I was little that took me 13 years to get over, because all I remembered was the bad stuff, I forgot that the other person involved had actually been my friend. And frankly, I don't want the same thing to happen; I don't want to forget that while bad things happen good things do too; I don't want to start thinking that every guy is going to do to me what he did and start fearing guys because I've forgotten that at one point we did get along and were friends and loved each other.

But I'm 20 now, almost 21. And honestly, I don't need reminders, I can remember all on my own. Well, in theory anyway, I am a blonde... ;) But I also don't want to feel like I'm running away from him and that the only way I can get over it is to have every reminder of him gone, because frankly that's impossible. Almost every time I turn the radio on I'm reminded of him. So...I'm tossing the cards and such, because those are just reminders, but I'm keeping the flip flops, because technically I bought them, but also because I want to remind myself that I can think of him without it getting to me, I want to remind myself that I'm bigger and stronger than what happened and that it doesn't matter how often I think of him or what makes me think of him-I'm going to be all right.

Probably a boring post for most, but it was exciting for me today lol :) Anyway, off to bed so I can rest up for my busy day tomorrow :) Night world!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk

Easier said than done

I'm not entirely sure why, but quite a few of my friends come to me for advice on a regular basis. I don't mind, I'm more than happy to help them if I can, and sometimes I am able to learn things in the process as well.

One thing I've learned is that advice is a lot easier to give than it is to receive. Like I said, I'm more than willing to help a friend in need, but when it comes my turn to get advice...not so big on taking it. Another thing I've learned is that when you tell somebody the right thing to do...it's easier said than done.

I have a friend who, because of things in his past, is scared of being in a serious relationship with somebody. He was hurt very badly by somebody and now is afraid it might happen again. I can't blame him, having experienced similar hurt myself. He's asked me for advice, and really what do you say? It'll get better in time? Time's already passed and it's not helping. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and try again. And that's basically what I told him, sometimes you just have to face a fear head on and make yourself do something that could potentially hurt again, but could also help things get better. It's a risk. Life is a risk.

But I also have certain fears that I have trouble getting over. Things from my past make it difficult and scary sometimes to do certain things, or handle certain things. I could tell my friend all day long till I'm blue in the face to face his fear, but when it comes to me? Different story all together.

Unfortunately though, because I didn't face my fears this time, I ended up hurting somebody very dear to me in the process. The things you do in life don't just affect you, it ripples out to all sorts of other people. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's not such a good thing. This...not such a good thing. Hopefully I can fix what went wrong, judging by things that were said this afternoon/evening I think there's a pretty good chance of that, but even still it'll take a while for things to get back to "normal".

Lesson of the day: just because something may not be easy to do doesn't mean I don't have to do it. I can't focus on myself and what I'm afraid of, sometimes I have to just suck it up and face my fears.