Celebration of Life

We had Grampie's celebration of life tonight, the burial is tomorrow.  I felt bad because I didn't cry really during it, I have no tears left to cry.  This summer has emotionally drained me like never before.  I'm exhausted on all fronts: mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I need to sleep for approximately 7551 years.  Give or take.  It was a beautiful ceremony, the flowers were gorgeous, there were funny and sweet pictures, the message of salvation (which Grampie had 2 different ones in his Bible and one was used for part of the message) was so clear and comforting.  Everybody shared such good memories during the ceremony, and of course my dad's cousin Wendy made everybody cry again with her memories (she did the same thing at my Grammie's ceremony).  I just didn't cry.  I shed maybe 2 tears during Wendy's stories, but that was it.  It'll hit me eventually, once I've had time to build up some emotion again, then it'll all go away in one fell swoop.  It's going to be a roller coaster ride for a while, and it's going to take a very long time to recover from this summer.  Thank goodness I have crafts to keep my hands busy while my mind wanders and tries to recover.  Hopefully I'll be going out soon to get the fabric I need for my Christmas presents, and I need to find sales on mason jars.  For now I'm going to work on finishing the afghan I was originally making for Grammie while she was in the nursing home so I can snuggle with it this winter.  Til next time.

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

Of all the things I promised I'd do at the beginning of this year, I'm glad the one I've kept is that this year would be better than last year.  Let me rephrase, my attitude about the year would be better, no matter what happened.  Truthfully this has been the hardest year of my life so far.  Start the year off with major money struggles, in April we found out my boyfriend's mom (who I also considered a mother) had stage 4 colon cancer, that same month my dad's mom went into a hospital as her health was declining very fast and she passed at the beginning of July, in the middle of August my boyfriend's mom passed, in September my cousin's grandfather (non-mutual, but always treated me like one of his own) passed, and now my dad's dad is getting ready to go into hospice as his time is drawing to an end.  That doesn't include the every day struggles life will throw one's way.  Needless to say my resolution to stop going to Dunkin Donuts has been very wishy washy.  I'm exhausted, I've been stress eating so I've gained about 20 pounds, and I have almost no more tears left.  I helped Grampie with his lunch today in the hospital, and just about had to feed him his supper.  He's so different from the man that taught me to ride a bike, play badmitton, who convinced me that $.25 a brown paper lunch bag was a substantial amount of money for picking acorns out of his yard, who I'd sit and watch do paint-by-numbers, puzzles, stained glass, make ornaments for Christmas.  He has always been so strong, and he's so weak now.  I'm not ready for this.  I'm not ok.  But I keep reminding myself that God has a plan, that He's in control, that I'll see all these people again.  So I keep telling myself that I AM ok, and someday I will be.  Not today, probably not before next year honestly, but I will be.  And that's all I really need to know right now.